Scottish Roulette

With all this hullabaloo over Scotland's future and the three options before us, can we not just make it simple to avoid all this conversation nonsense? I never was very good in group discussions anyway.

I was going to suggest a live game of Ker-Plunk with each of the four main leaders challenging for the right to decide Scotland's future but marbles (stones of destiny?) can be tricky to find these days.

So how about this. Someone gets a die out and we set out the following rules for one roll of said die:


Roll a 1 - We don't do anything, scrap the white paper and with the money saved all the MSPs go out for a pub crawl on us.

Roll a 2 - We still don't do anything but Gordon Brown must wear a kilt to work on Fridays. Other MPs and MSPs can dress casually, but no ripped jeans or bandanas.

Roll a 3 - Edinburgh Castle and other Scottish landmarks must fly Saltires as opposed to Union Flags. Christine Grahame is made a Dame.

Roll a 4 - We get to give all the nuclear weapons back to England and turn Rosyth into the World Centre for offshore wind farms. Shetland Islands get to toss a coin on whether they're independent as a (Robert the) Brucie Bonus.

Roll a 5 - Scotland gets to set her own interest rates and corporation tax bands. The Bank of England must relocate to Bannockburn.

Roll a 6 - Full independence. And noone's allowed to moan about it.


There. In the words of Gordon Ramsay. "National Conversation...... Done."