Staying out of Trouble

I don't want to worry anyone unnecessarily but 2008 may well be the year that we see ID Cards, 28 day detentions without charge, nuclear weapon rebuilding programmes and significantly increased stop and search.

So, given Gordon Brown's apparent plans to turn the UK into something resembling a Mad Max movie I thought it best to warn readers of how to avoid being hauled in for questioning when all you thought you were doing was minding your own business:

It's illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour.

In Scotland, it is illegal to be a drunk in possession of a cow.

It is illegal to fish on Sundays, also in Scotland.

In York, it's legal to murder someone from Scotland..but only if they're carrying a bow and arrow.

In Chester, you can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.

It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (so Gordon Brown's early PMQ displays should really see him getting a long sentence I would think)

A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants.

In Scotland, if someone knocks on the door and needs to use your toilet, you have to let them in (and presumably a pregnant lady could just go for it on the living room carpet without getting into any trouble)

It's illegal to eat meat pies on Christmas Day

Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.

It's an act of treason to put a postage stamp on upside-down if it has a British monarch's picture on it

It is illegal for a student to walk through Trinity College without a sword.

In Trinity college students can demand a glass of wine at any time during an exam (provided they are wearing their sword presumably)

So there you go, that should help you stay out of trouble into 2008 and beyond. Though if you happen to have a longish beard and are foreign looking, then there's very little I can do for you I'm afraid.

Some of our arcane laws are just getting started I guess.