Plan B

Well, I did my best to draw up where the SNP would bring their 20 MPs from come the next election. I did so and consequently I was skewered as easily as a haggis kebab by my blogging colleagues.

Scottish Tory Bory ripped my Dumfries prediction to shreds.

Iain Rubie Dale and Stephen Glenn ganged up on me from a Lib Dem perspective with some reasonable points on the Lib Dem and Tory smash-and-grab tactics in Scotland.

Even an anonymous Nationalist blogger sent me the following:

I can't say anything about the 20 seat projection on the basis that I think it is bollocks and I can't say that on my blog or I'll get in bother, and I won't lie and say it will be easy - so here's my take: it's bollocks.

A Scottish Parly election is a different animal from a UK one. People are far more likely to vote SNP in SP - indeed if you look at some of the 21 seats won last year you'll see massive swings - Edin East, Gordon, Stirling. What made the difference was the big-hitters we had standing - Kenny, Alex, Bruce Crawford. If you look at some of the folks standing this time round, I'd be willing to wager now they will not get the job done. Mainly because the strong folks the SNP have are already in Holyrood or Westminster. The electoral map of Scotland was redrawn for 2005 then re-coloured in 2007. 2009/10 will be different again, but it WILL NOT have 20 yellow constituencies. 15 - at the very most. And even that is at a push in places the SNP are not strong.

So it seems it is indeed "back to the drawing board" for me and my tactical voting ways and for that reason I have amassed a master plan, a thing of beauty that will bring SNP MPs raining down on us like there's no tomorrow. Well, not any kind of tomorrow that could fairly be described as summery anyway.

I admit, it's a little bit tabloid but where Arnie Schwarzenegger, Martin Bell and (less so) Lloyd Quinan have gone before, the SNP can follow too.

Yes, that's right, The Celebrity Candidate.

It's a bit of a Bobby Dazzler, no!?

Let's look at who we could have, aside from the wonderful George Kerevan standing in Edinburgh East:

First up, Elaine C Smith. She ticks all the boxes. A huge SNP fan, genuinely popular across Scotland, hard-working, funny, could single-handedly pierce the Glasgow heartlands and she's sexy as hell. Well, ok, she might not tick every box. But parachute Elaine into the right Glasgow constituency and it'll go SNP.

Sean Connery - How could you not vote for Sean? He's the best Bond ever for crying out loud! Well, Daniel Craig is better in my humble opinion but that's beside the point. Connery used to work as a lifeguard at Portobello Swimming Baths but he was actually born in Fountainbridge so let's put him into Edinburgh Central. He'd capture the imagination of the hefty student vote in that constituency at least. I could actually change my voting area and would definitely put a cross against Sean's name too (sorry Daniel, still love you buddy).

Tommy Sheridan - I've been thinking about this one for a while, ever since the SSP scuppered a few seats for the SNP back in 2003. Since so many people swither between the socialists and the nationalists, why not just let Tommy into the SNP? Goodness knows he needs the money and you know he'd get a hard-on from all the attention (though what he does with said hard-on could be pretty damaging!). He is a fan of independence and, I think, would seriously challenge for Glasgow Pollock (or whatever the equivalent Westminster seat is).

Rosie Kane - yeah, maybe not

Iain McWhirter - If recent Sunday Herald columns are to be believed, Iain is a dyed-in-the-wool Nationalist already so presumably wouldn't take much convincing to get on board the independence bandwagon. He could agree to a secret deal and undermine Gordon Brown and Labour every Sunday from his lofty position of Top Political Journalist. If he hasn't done such a deal already (now that's a thought that's going to fester!)

Sir George Mathewson - Hailing from the same constituency as Gordon Brown, this would be a gargantuan battle. Ex-chairman of RBS going up against the guy who robbed 5.3 million poor people. Could be interesting...

Brian Souter - The main problem with Brian Souter isn't his religious views, or Section 28 or his funding of the SNP's Holyrood victory, it's merely that he comes from Perth and the SNP already have this constituency. (Claims that we are merely borrowing it are wide of the mark I am sure!) But I get the impression First Bus does a great service up in Aberdeen so maybe he could have a crack at Aberdeen North which the SNP aren't too far off the pace with. It's just a shame we don't have a bible belt here in Scotland or it would make placing one of Scotland's leading businessmen so much easier!

John Smeaton - What's that noise? Sounds like someone scraping a barrel or something… Anyway, I'm sure you can picture it. On being asked at hustings what John's take on the current economic downturn and rising inflation would be, his simple response of "Whit? The Credit Crunch? Ah'm no havin' it. I'll set aboot ye!" would bring wild whoops from the cheerings masses as they wave their "We Love Smeato" flags. A guaranteed winner whichever constituency was lucky enough to have him but there is concern that he'd topple Salmond as leader of the party.

The McDonald Brothers (either one) - From their X-Factor performances they showed a necessary resilience in elections and they clearly appeal to the Scottish electorate (who from England is going to vote for Flower of Scotland and Proclaimers week in, week out!). Their impish grins would bring in the grannies and teenagers alike. And even if they get hammered, at least getting a band in for the election night party won't be difficult.

I could go on and on.

Yes, as a tactic, it is cheap, tacky, low-brow, scurrilous and just downright shameless. Which is probably why it appeals so very much.