New Labour vs West Wing

A friend of mine (lucky sod that he is) is due to write a speech for the Prime Minister by the end of this year. He joked that he wasn't sure if he should tailor it for Gordon or Alan Johnson (or David Cameron for that matter) and I in turn joked that he should go all out with a "Let Brown be Brown" narrative in a blatant rip-off from the West Wing.

It seems that is an idea that is catching on going by Kezia's latest posting.

So, with this apparent Aaron Sorkin-isation of the New Labour project, I thought it was worth doing a quick head-to-head just to see how the Labour Cabinet would measure up against Jed Bartlett's team:

Gordon Brown vs Jed Bartlett

No contest. For assured delivery and folksy charm, President Bartlett is streets ahead of his UK counterpart. They may both have "a big brain and a good heart and an ego the size of Montana" but only one of the two can express such attributes in an effective manner.

Lord Mandelson vs Leo McGarry

I'd call this one a draw. While Leo has unswerving respect from the top-down of the entire West Wing team, Mandelson makes up for his divisive nature with unbeatable political instincts and pitch perfect media delivery.

Ed Balls vs CJ Cregg

Let's be honest, the Education Secretary is the closest we've got to Gordon Brown's mouthpiece. I suspect Ed doesn't have the ability to 'get in the PM's face' over issues and I'd bet my bottom dollar he doesn't have the same charm with the media as the beloved CJ so an easy win for 'Flamingo', even if Balls has had a less rocky love life.

David Miliband vs Josh Lyman

Tough call this one. Both young, both dynamic, both didn't exceed academically and both have unfortunate smiles when a camera is in front of them. For sheer political duplicity and a more deserving claim to receive all the finest muffins and bagels in all the land for sheer oneupmanship, it has to be Josh.

Alastair Darling vs Toby Ziegler

Much easier one this one. Toby may have invested in shares that just happened to go through the roof the next day but the White House Communications Director is far too moral to flip his designated second home four times and claim back personal tax costs. Plus, Toby is a better writer.

Dougie Alexander vs Charlie Young

I just wanted to add this to give me the excuse to imagine the line "My name is Dougie Alexander jackass, and if that bulge in your pocket is an 8ball of blow, you'll be spending spring break in a federal prison". I don't see it somehow, though they both lose points given that their respective sisters can probably beat them at sports.

At the end of the day though, it comes down to this. Letting Bartlett be Bartlett won the day for the Democrats and reversed a lamentable poll rating. Letting Brown be Brown with his red-hot temper and psychological flaws would be electoral suicide.

Let Johnson be Johnson has a better ring to it too.